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Signs of Addictive
Love
by Joanne Thimothe
Addictive love is engaging oneself in a relationship that is geared toward self-destruction. You may often wonder how can some people stay on and on in a relationship
in which they are treated like dirt. They stick around because of love. How can
love keep people from seeing that they are living in a substandard relationship? How can love give people a feeling of emptiness
and loneliness even when they are with their partners?
I have met a couple, Paul and Carla. They have had an on and off relationship for 8 years. Paul was always negative. He always found
fault with whatever Carla did. Carla, on the other hand, thought he was the best
thing that happened to her. After 8 years of breaking in and out of dating, Carla
finally got the courage to get out of the relationship. She opened her heart
to another man. She is now married and just had her first child at 33.
Signs that you are in an addictive
relationship:
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It is a secret.
You do not tell your family and friends that you are seeing this guy. Or
if they find out, you try to multiply by 100 all the little things the guy does to make you happy. And you divide by 1000 all the bad things he does to hurt you. You
find yourself defending him in front of your friends when they are telling you that he is not good for you.
-
The relationship starts on the wrong foot. You are on your second date and the guy wants to know you more, but that can only be done in his apartment. Though sex is not demeaning asking for it before knowing the person shows lack of
feelings and attachment to your date. You are on a date and instead of receiving
compliments, your date bombards you with the proper attire you should have worn, proper hairstyle and proper shoes. If your date starts by constant criticism about your physical appearance, you can expect similar behavior
all along the relationship.
-
No interest in you. Your date does not manifest any interest in you.
He calls you in his spare time but is upset when you call him because you simply want to hear his voice. A typical dialogue is transformed into a monologue where you are only required to agree or disagree.
-
No affection for you. A loving relationship is a two way street. If
you are in love with a guy and realize that you are not getting any love back, you may be in a one-way street, not in a loving
relationship. The guy does not try to seduce you or make you feel you. He does
not bring any romance to the table.
-
No interest in your life. After a year of dating, if your guy does not try to know where you live, chances are,
he does not care about you. A guy who cares about you will want to know where
you live, who you live with and who your family is.
-
You expect change. Although you know you started on the wrong foot with the relationship, you stay in
it anyway. You think that one day things will get better because you will get
use to them. After two years, he tells you that you have never been his girlfriend even though you have sharing good and bad
moments. However, you still stick around for another 6 years.
-
You
feel weak and guilty. You want to end the relationship at the second
date, but your manners prevent you from hurting a guys feelings. You try to end
the relationship many times, but every time your heart softens. You remember
his difficult childhood. His mother was not present to give him the affection
and love that he deserves. You think that life was not fair to him but you will
give him all the love he deserves.
Addictive love should not be called love. Love is not destructive. Love looks for the well-being of
both parties. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov came up with the term limerence. Limerence is the equivalent of "being in love". Limerence is the state of walking on air
and obsessively thinking about and longing to be with the loved one. When limerence
is most intense, it is difficult to think about anything else or to see the loved one as anything but utterly wonderful. Key
features include obsessive thinking about the limerent object, irrationally positive evaluation of their attributes, emotional
dependency, and longing for reciprocation.
Joanne Thimothe / March 16, 2003
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