Advocates Against Family Violence

Are You Being Violent Against Your Partner?

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Domestic Violence does happen in lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) relationships. Are you being violent toward your same-sex partner? Are you abusive to your lesbian partner? Answer the questions below to find out.

  Do you physically hurt your partner in any way, including hitting, punching, pulling hair, biting, etc?

  Do you say things to your partner to scare her?

  Do you try to control your partner’s activities, like seeing her family or friends?

  Have your threatened your partner with hurting yourself, a beloved pet or her if she ever leaves you?

  Do you ever put your partner down or try to make her feel bad about herself?

  Have you ever forced your partner to do something sexually she did not want to do or have sex when she did not want to?

  Do you take control of your partner’s money and make her account for everything she spends?

  Have you threatened to out her to her family or boss to get her to stay with you or to do something you want her to do?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be abusing your partner.

Who Abuses their partner?

There is no one answer for who or why someone is abusive to their partner. But one thing is usually present: low self-esteem. Many abusers gain their sense of identity through their relationship with their partner.

When they feel they may lose their partner, they lash out with violence. The violence used by perpetrators is controlled and manipulative. It is not a matter of “losing their temper.” Most perpetrators of violence are not abusive at work or in other areas of their lives. They may been seen as a “really nice person.”

Perpetrators may be loving one minute and violent the next. They may comfort and console a partner right after a beating. They may express remorse and promise to never “do it again.” They may buy gifts and candy.

Often these promises are made only to keep the victim from leaving. Without help, the violence WILL reoccur!

What can you do if you are being violent to your partner?

Only you can stop the violence. If you want to take steps to end your abusive behavior, you need counseling. Couples counseling WILL NOT suffice. If you have been violent toward your partner, she will not feel safe enough to be open and honest in a therapy session. You each need to seek separate counseling to learn how to be in a healthy relationship. Perhaps in the future you can learn to become equal and healthy partners.

Unfortunately, there are not many programs specifically for lesbians who batter. But this is not an excuse for you to continue your behavior. Check out the resources page for programs that can help stop the abuse.


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